The Dragonsitter Read online

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  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Sunday, July 31

  Subject: URGENT!!!!!!!!

  Attachments: The dragon

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  You’d better get on a plane right now and come back here. Your dragon has eaten Jemima.

  Emily loved that rabbit!

  I know what you’re thinking, Uncle Morton. We promised to look after your dragon for a whole week. I know we did. But you never said he would be like this.

  Emily’s in her bedroom now, crying so loudly the whole street must be able to hear.

  Your dragon’s sitting on the sofa, licking his claws, looking very pleased with himself.

  If you don’t come and collect him, Mom is going to phone the zoo. She says she doesn’t know what else to do.

  I don’t want the dragon to live behind bars. I bet you don’t, either. But I can’t stop Mom. So please come and get him.

  I’d better go now. I can smell burning.

  Eddie

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Sunday, July 31

  Subject: Your dragon

  Attachments: Poopy shoes

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  I’m sorry for getting so angry when I wrote to you earlier, but your dragon is really irritating.

  I hope you haven’t changed your flight. If you have, you can change it back again. I persuaded Mom to give your dragon another chance.

  Luckily, she didn’t see him chasing Mrs. Kapelski’s cats out of the yard.

  Uncle M, I wish you’d told us a bit more about your dragon. You just handed him over and said he’d be fine and got back in your taxi to go to the airport. You didn’t even tell us his name. And some instructions would have been helpful. Mom and I don’t know anything about dragons. Emily says she does, but she’s lying. She’s only five and she doesn’t know anything about anything.

  For instance, what does he eat?

  We looked for help on the Internet, but there was nothing useful.

  One website said dragons eat only coal. Another said they prefer damsels in distress.

  When I told Mom, she said, “Then I’d better look out, hadn’t I?”

  But your dragon doesn’t seem so fussy. He eats just about anything. Rabbits, of course. And cold spaghetti. And sardines and baked beans and olives and apples and whatever else we offer him.

  Mom went to the supermarket yesterday, but she has to go again today. Usually one trip lasts us a whole week.

  Also, you could have warned us about his poop. It smells awful! Mom says even little puppies are trained to go outside, and this dragon looks quite old, so why is he pooping on the carpet in her bedroom?

  But I can see why you like him. When he’s being sweet, he really is very sweet. He has a nice expression, doesn’t he? And I like the funny snoring noise he makes when he’s asleep.

  Are you having a good time at the beach? Is the sun shining? Are you swimming a lot?

  It’s raining here.

  Love from your favorite nephew,

  Eddie

  P.S. The smell of burning was the curtains. I put out the fire with a saucepan full of water. Luckily, they had dried by the time Mom saw them.

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Monday, August 1

  Subject: The fridge

  Attachments: The hole

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  I wish I could say things were better with the dragon today, but actually, they’re worse. This morning, we came downstairs for breakfast and found he’d made a hole in the door of the fridge. I don’t know why he couldn’t just open it like everyone else. He drank all the milk and ate yesterday’s leftover mac and cheese.

  Mom was furious. I had to beg her and beg her and beg her to give him one more chance.

  “I’ve already given him one last chance,” she said. “Why should I give him another?”

  I promised to help clean up any more of his messes. I think that was what changed her mind.

  I’m hoping he’ll go in the yard from now on.

  Mom is keeping a tab for you. So far, you owe us two weeks of groceries and a new fridge. She says she’ll charge you for the carpet, too, if she can’t get the stains out.

  I sent you two e-mails yesterday. Didn’t you get either of them?

  Eddie

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Monday, August 1

  Subject: Your dragon again

  Attachments: Poop close-up

  You might have to change your flights after all, Uncle M. Your dragon’s pooped in the house, again. This time, he couldn’t get into Mom’s room, because she’s been keeping her door shut, so he left it on the landing right outside. I scrubbed it with bleach, but there’s still a stain on the carpet. I just hope Mom won’t see it. If she does, she’ll call the zoo right away. I know she will.

  E

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Tuesday, August 2

  Subject: Tethers

  Attachments: Me putting out fire

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  What’s a tether?

  I don’t know and Mom won’t tell me, but she’s at the end of hers.

  That’s what she says anyway.

  It was the curtains that did it.

  Mom saw them last night. She was furious, but I managed to calm her down. I said I’d pay for new ones out of my allowance.

  I don’t actually have any money saved from my allowance, but I promised to start saving immediately.

  Also, I pointed out that the hole in the curtains was really quite small.

  Mom gave a big sigh and shrugged her shoulders. She stood on a chair and turned the curtains around so you could hardly see the hole. Not unless you were looking for it anyway. And why would anyone get down on the floor and search for holes at the edge of the curtain?

  Then, this morning, the dragon breathed all over them again.

  It was really quite dramatic. The whole room filled with smoke. While I was running back and forth with a pot full of water (six times!), your dragon just sat on the sofa. I wasn’t expecting an apology, but he could at least have looked embarrassed.

  Also, he knows he’s not allowed on the sofa.

  This is my fifth e-mail to you, Uncle M, and you haven’t replied to one of them. I know you’re on vacation, but even so, could you reply ASAP? Even if you can’t come and collect your dragon, some tips on looking after him would be very much appreciated!

  Eddie

  P.S. If you don’t know what ASAP means, it means As Soon As Possible.

  P.P.S. Your tab so far: 3 loads of groceries, 2 curtains, 1 fridge, 1 rabbit, 1 new carpet. (Mom saw the stain.)

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Tuesday, August 2

  Subject: Where are you?!!???

  Attachments: Mom on the rampage

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  Mom called your hotel. They said you never arrived. They said you canceled your reservation, and they gave
your room to someone else.

  So, where are you?

  Mom says you’ve been lying to us. She says you’ve always told lies, even when you were a boy, and she was stupid to think you might have changed.

  I didn’t know what to say, Uncle Morton. I was sure you hadn’t lied to us. I don’t believe you’re a liar. But if you’re not staying at the Hotel Splendide, why did you give us that number? Where are you staying?

  I told Mom anything might have happened. Maybe you banged your head and you don’t know who you are anymore. Maybe you’re in the hospital, covered in bandages, and no one knows who to call. Maybe you’ve been kidnapped. You’re always talking about your enemies. Do you need us to pay a ransom? I hope not, because your tab with Mom is already long enough.

  Mom doesn’t think you’ve been kidnapped. Or bumped your head. She says you’re just a selfish pig and always have been, and once you’ve collected your dragon she never wants to see you again.

  I’m sure she didn’t mean it, Uncle M.

  Little sisters are always saying stuff like that. Emily does, too. The next day, she’s forgotten what she even said.

  Mom’s probably just like that, too.

  But even so, I think you should call her ASAP.

  Eddie

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Tuesday, August 2

  Subject: The zoo

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  Mom is about to call the zoo. She’s going to ask them to take the dragon away.

  I tried to persuade her not to. But she said it was the dragon or her.

  I said the zoo probably wouldn’t want her.

  She said I should be careful because I was treading on thin ice.

  I don’t know what she meant, but I didn’t want to ask. She had that expression on her face. Do you know the one I mean? The one that says, “You’d better keep out of my way.”

  So I have.

  E

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Tuesday, August 2

  Subject: Don’t worry!

  Attachments: Mom and the dragon

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  The zookeepers aren’t coming. They thought Mom was joking.

  When they realized she was serious, they thought she was crazy.

  Finally, they hung up.

  So she called the animal shelter, but they didn’t believe her, either.

  They said, “There’s no such thing as dragons.”

  Mom said, “Come here if you want to see one.”

  That was when they hung up, too.

  Now Mom doesn’t know what to do. She’s threatening to kick the dragon out to the street.

  I said she couldn’t just leave a poor defenseless dragon out in the street, where anything might happen to him.

  “I’ve got to do something,” she said, “or I really will go crazy. What if he bites the neighbors? What if he eats one of the twins?”

  It’s true, he could easily pull them out of their stroller. They live across the street, and they’re only eight months old. With teeth like his, he could gobble them up in a moment. I know you said he’d never harm another living creature, but that wasn’t true, was it? What about Jemima?

  Uncle M, I must have written you ten messages by now. Could you please write back?

  Eddie

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Wednesday, August 3

  Subject: Maud

  Attachments: Cat attack; Mom chatting

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  You’re not going to believe what’s happened now. The dragon just attacked Mrs. Kapelski’s cats again. This time the yard is full of fur, and the petunias have gone up in smoke.

  It was the cats’ own fault, I suppose, because they know they’re not allowed in our yard. They came in anyway. They always do. They didn’t see your dragon snoozing on the patio. They were rolling around on the grass when he woke up and jumped on them.

  Tigger got away without any problem, but the dragon managed to grab Maud’s tail in his jaws.

  I saw it all through the window.

  I was banging on the glass, trying to make the dragon stop, but he didn’t pay any attention. Finally, Maud turned around and scratched him on the nose. The dragon wasn’t expecting that! He was so surprised, he opened his jaws, and she was over the fence in a second. He breathed a great burst of flame after her.

  Luckily, he missed.

  Unluckily, he got Mom’s petunias.

  Luckily, Mom didn’t see what happened. She was on the phone with the pet shop. She’s been calling everyone she can think of, but no one wants a dragon.

  Now she’s sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. She’s run out of people to call. I haven’t told her about the petunias yet, but she’s going to see them soon, and then I don’t know what will happen.

  To be honest, Uncle M, I’m a bit worried about her. I asked about fixing the fridge, and Mom said, “What’s the point? The dragon will just put another hole in it.”

  I suppose she’s right, but even so, it would be good to have somewhere to keep the milk.

  Eddie

  P.S. You’ll be glad to hear Maud is fine. She’s still has her whole tail.

  P.P.S. Your dragon has spent the rest of the morning picking fur out of his teeth. He won’t be attacking any more cats in a hurry.

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Thursday, August 4

  Subject: PLEASE READ THIS!!!!

  Attachments: Mailman; Firefighters

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  I don’t even know why I’m writing to you. You haven’t answered any of my other e-mails. Maybe I’ve even got the wrong e-mail address, just like Mom had the wrong hotel. But I’ve got to tell someone what’s happening, and I can’t think of anyone else.

  Today was the worst day so far. Your dragon set fire to the mailman.

  To be fair to the dragon, I don’t think he meant to. I think he must have been frightened by the letters coming through the mail slot. He breathed fire all over them. The flames went through the mail slot and out the other side, setting the mailman’s sleeve on fire.

  Luckily, the mailman wasn’t hurt. Mom put the flames out with a blanket. But he’s going to need a new uniform, and he said he’ll charge us for it.

  We had a lot of explaining to do. There was a big fire engine parked outside the house and four firefighters in our front yard, wanting to check our smoke alarms.

  Mom told them about the dragon. She invited them in to see him.

  The firefighters looked at one another in a funny way and backed down the front path.

  When they’d gone, the mailman said he’d sue us. He said he’d report us to the police. He said we could expect never to get another letter in our lives. He said a lot more things that I didn’t actually hear, because Mom put her hands over my ears.

  Now Mom’s upstairs in bed. She said she’ll come downstairs to make dinner, but I don’t know if she really will.

  The dragon is lying on the sofa. I told him he should be ashamed of himself, but he doesn’t look ashamed at all.

  He won’t get off the sofa, either. Not even when I shout at him. He knows he’s not allowed on there.

  Eddie

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morton Pickle

  Date: Thursday, August 4

  Subject: Postcard?

  Attachments: The stamp

  Dear Uncle M,

  I’ve just been through what’s left of our mail and found a postcard with a foreign stamp. Unfortunately, there was nothing else left, just the corner with the stamp on it, but I think the picture might have been of a beach. Did you send it to us? If you did, that’s very nice of you, but it would be even nicer if you would answer my e-mails.

  E

  From: Edward Smith-Pickle

  To: Morto
n Pickle

  Date: Friday, August 5

  Subject: Our tummies are empty

  Attachments: The dragon in the kitchen

  Dear Uncle Morton,

  I am a long way past the end of my tether.

  Yesterday I didn’t think things could get any worse, but they just have.

  Mom is upstairs again. She says she’s not coming down till the dragon’s gone. I said that might not be for three more days, and she said, “Then I’m going to be spending a lot of time in bed. You’d better find me some good books.”

  Emily and I haven’t had any breakfast, and it looks as if we’re not going to get any lunch, either.

  Your dragon is in the kitchen. The door’s shut. He won’t let me in. I just tried, but he breathed a little bit of smoke in my direction. From the expression in his eyes, I could see it was a warning.

  I’m not a coward, Uncle M, but I’m not stupid, either. I ran straight out and slammed the door behind me.

  I waited for a few minutes, then I peered through the keyhole and saw what he’d done.

  He’s been through the cupboards, ripping off the doors and pulling out all the food. He’s ripped open the packages. He’s chewed through the cans. There’s rice and lentils and spaghetti all over the kitchen floor.

  Uncle Morton, what am I supposed to do?

  Eddie

  From: Morton Pickle

  To: Edward Smith-Pickle

  Date: Friday, August 5

  Subject: Chocolate

  Have you tried chocolate?